The five types of people you could turn into after a breakup

Breakups change you, man. When you give enough of yourself to someone and things don’t work out, the ensuing split can be so cataclysmic that your very sense of self short-circuits, and you end up turning into something else. Yes, all people change in the face of great emotional upheaval, but is it really growth if you turn into someone wack?

These are five types of people you might turn into post-split, and the hard truths each type has to accept if they really want to move on. Sympathies if you feel attacked, but hey, if the boot fits.

The Worker Drone
Well here’s the problem you’re heartbroken because you allowed yourself to feel! You fool! Some beautiful creature waltzed out from your dreams and into your life, tore down your defenses, uncovered the squishy core underneath, and stomped it on the curb. Well not anymore! After a breakup, like a machine, the Worker Drone reboots their heart, and attempts to reprogram themselves into a perfect specimen of cold productivity. Wallowing is for weaklings, after all. “Who needs relationships anyway?” you think to yourself, as you update your CV and advance your career with raket  after cashflow raket, with the dead-eyed gaze of an actual robot.

 

But for real: You know it’s okay to cry, right? Sure, there’s something admirable, even noble, about channelling your anguish into more productive ends. But turning yourself into an automaton in an attempt to avoid all pain isn’t good for your sense of personhood. Be real with where you’re at emotionally! It’s possible to be productive and feel things at the same time. Don’t try to be a badass even Rosa Diaz cries.

The Flirt Monster
Turns out the problem was monogamy after all this is your rationale, as you slowly replace your better judgment with an ungodly amount of libido. You post tons of selfies. You peacock. You revamp your wardrobe and go to the gym with the kind of diligence that would make the Worker Drone nod in approval. You feverishly swipe through Tinder and Bumble. And whenever you’re out, you scour for anyone who remotely displays any interest in the image you project. I mean, you just got out of an unsatisfying relationship surely the story of your life deserves a hoe chapter, right?

But for real: I know we’re all out here being sex-positive and whatever, but check yourself — are you hooking up because it’s fun, or because you’re reducing other people’s bodies to mere band-aids for emotional wounds you refuse to properly confront? Make sure you’re okay, then hoe out. Or abstain! It’s up to you. Just remember, as the late Scott Hutchison of Frightened Rabbit once sang: “You won’t find love in a hole.”

The Diplomat
There are two types of Diplomat. There’s The Campaigner, who steals friends from their ex, currying favor (read: pity) in an imaginary competition for who can build the biggest support network empire. Then there’s the Peacemaker, who insists that they can be friends with their ex immediately after things have ended, ignoring their former beloved’s pleas for distance and space to grow. Both are wack. Both weaponize diplomacy to make themselves feel bigger than they actually are.

But for real: To the Campaigner: stop being such a dingus! Unless your ex was an abuser or a serial cheater, you don’t really have the right to call who still gets to be friends with whom. And to the Peacemaker: true kindness is recognizing that your ex is free to decide how they heal, instead of forcing normalcy. Everybody can see through your Mr. Peanutbutter tactics.

Just Hella Sad
Okay, so you did one thing right: you admitted that you’re sad. Admitting it is the first step, after all. And then you just… stopped there. It’s hard to blame you though. Breakups can be pretty traumatizing, and depression is often a big black bog you can’t just choose to get over. Harder, still, to determine the extent of your agency when does your sadness stop being a thing beyond your control and start being a thing you actively feed with unhealthy coping mechanisms? Either way, your friends are worried about you. You’re in a pretty bad place, dude — you’re the one type of person every archetype in this listicle is most afraid of (and honestly, at great risk of) becoming.

 

But for real: You’re going to hear different pieces of advice from the above archetypes on the list. The Worker Drone will tell you to distract yourself with a hobby. The Flirt Monster will offer wingman services. The Diplomat will tell you, “Just talk to them!” These suggestions are varying degrees of right and wrong, but hey, it’s pretty rad that you have such a caring support network! So go to them, for the love of God. Promise me you’ll talk to your friends instead of self-isolating. Promise me you’ll consider seeing a therapist. And promise me that you’ll promise yourself that you won’t be sad forever.

The Glow-Up
Wait, what? You survived? And came out stronger than before? You came away from what must’ve been a painful experience without losing your sense of personhood? And now you’re armed with one more life lesson under your belt, ready to apply it to the next person lucky enough to be loved by you? Also your skin is super clear now for some reason? What the hell?

But for real: I’ve been all of the first four people on the list and I’m still stuck. What’s your secret? Oh, I see. You’ve accepted that life is made of both joy and pain, and choose everyday to make the most of what existence gives you, all without losing yourself or hurting others in the process. Okay. Cool. Big ups. One last question. Who’s your therapist?

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