Oh gosh. Thank you so much to the Academy. I’m off the deep end.
This trophy is the culmination of a lifetime of hard work, and also a very demanding awards season campaign. Thank you to my publicist, my glam team, and my body doubles.
I would also like to thank Beyoncé for backing out of this project. And for getting pregnant in 2017 just before Coachella, leaving me with a headlining gig and the perfect venue to film Shallow with a realistic audience. Funny how the world works, huh, Honey Bee? Maybe next time you’ll be my understudy. Ha ha. Please return my calls. The fans want the Telephone sequel we promised them and I don’t know if I can stall for much longer.
Ahem. Of course, none of this would be possible without the work of one man. Thank you Jackson — I mean Bradley, for giving me this role. I’ve felt a visceral connection to you from the very beginning. We’re both Italian. We’re both from the East Coast. We’re both in serious relationships with other people. Have you read the fanfiction about us though? I like the one where we marry, have children, and lead a quiet domestic life on the Upper West Side. It’s well-written.
Bradley, your dedication to this film has truly touched the depths of my soul. The nectar of my being. No one saw the potential in me until you came along. I guess what I’m trying to say is, there can be a hundred people in a room, and —
— they’ve started playing the exit music, but I can still do this with an orchestra background. Did you know that I’ve been singing jazz since I was 13?
Anyway, Bradley, I knew we were onto something wonderful the day of our first screen test. I was wearing some no-makeup makeup, but you conjured a fresh baby wipe out of thin air and smeared my whole face off with a single swipe. “Why did you do that?”, I asked, faceless. “Why did you do that to me when my makeup artist, Sarah, is standing right there with a bottle of cleansing oil?” To which you replied, “I want to see you. All of you.”
And that’s when I knew you weren’t seeing Lady Gaga, multi-talented performer and savior of late 2000s pop music, but Stefani Germanotta, stripped of all enigma and artifice. Enigma, by the way, is also the name of my Vegas residency show, which runs from now until November and features me showcasing my ridiculous versatility in both jazz and pop.
Last but not least, of course, I’d like to thank my fellow nominees. Especially you, Glenn Close. You were wonderful in 101 Dalmatians.
Alright. I think that’s about it. Have a good night everyone. I’m going to crowd surf to the door now. Watch as I dive in.