The new gods we need for modern times

Art by Jill Arteche

It is the 21st century, and we here at Young STAR are recruiting Millennial manifestations of the Old Gods of ancient mythology to battle our isolation from others, ourselves, and our work. Just kidding, I totally stole that from Neil Gaiman. What can I say, we are agog with excitement for the new American Gods show coming up on Starz. While waiting, we summon the gods and goddesses we believe are shaping the contemporary age. You’re welcome to bask in their gracious presence.

Linkdinnu, God of Extreme Hustlin’

Formerly Known As (FKA): Brahma, the god of creation.
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Linkdinnu is the god of productivity. Just like his predecessor, he has more four faces, one neck, four limbs, and one chest. His multiple faces correspond to his multiple and infinite streams of income. His hands hold his personal phone, his work phone, his Bullet Journal, while the fourth wrist wears a Fitbit. Fitting for the ultimate millennial #goals template, the multi-hyphenate. God of the 21st century post-recession generation, Linkedinnu is the god of the daily grind, the unrelenting hustle, benevolent LTE signals, and you guessed it, the post-grad equivalent of a slum book: LinkedIn.

Offerings accepted: His version of a novena? 10,000 steps a day. For maximum productivity and health, you know.

Algorithmia, Goddess of the Internet

FKA: Destiny, the blind but all-seeing sibling of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman and guardian of the past, present, and future.
Alignment: True Neutral

Algorithmia is the incarnation of the eldest Endless sibling (if you’re not familiar with Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman Series, get on it, stat.). The mute goddess is at the center of the Internet, knitting with the threads that form her Web — strings of 0’s and 1’s, and IP addresses — that enable all that is good, and all that is bad. In her Web we find ourselves, and we are at her mercy as our hearts melt at the sight of a cute cat or the latest HONY post, and as we weep at the joke that the current global political situation has become. She is not the Oracle of the Matrix. She is the Matrix.

Offerings accepted: Bitcoins.

Millennias, Goddess of Benevolent Wokeness

FKA: Athena, goddess of wisdom and proto-feminist icon
Alignment: Lawful Good

Ah, the Patron Saint of Generation Why. Calm, focused, and a crafty warrior, Millennias continues the good fight her former self, Athena, fought for. Her 21st century form trades swords for words as her weapon of choice, and while she is asexual much like her former self, she is definitely sex positive. Millennias slays in intellectual discourse, and we sit in silence as we summon her spirit before we compose a cohesive essay for Facebook.  She is a social justice icon, the mother of the NGO sector, and her divine inspiration comes in the form of political awareness. Sings her children Hamilton lullabies as they fall asleep to fight another day.

Offerings accepted: Long Facebook socio-political commentaries worth reading.

@Tweetly, Goddess of Savagery

FKA: Hades, god of the underworld
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Knife-cutting truths, crushing basic bitches, and violent wit all in 140 characters, the new god of the underworld is the ruler of the most stressful — and funniest — social media channel. @Tweetly is the Hades of Twitter with its savagery, shades, and subtweets. Nothing escapes this omnisexual queen’s irresistible and androgynous smize. Her holy spirit possesses one with thunderous wit and lightning-fast typing skills — she is unrelenting, unkind, and unstoppable. We love seeing her power on our feeds, until we are at the sharp end of her dagger. Oh, and she’s the dark angel of stand-up comedians too. How do you think Vice Ganda sustained a career?

Offerings accepted: Sunnies. As in the behemoth of a local brand. Because shades. And also because übercool.

MariKon Hygge, the Goddess of Self-care

FKA: Lakapati, the goddess of fertility
Alignment: Neutral Good

There is no English word for the power of MariKon Hygge, and that’s because her love and warmth is all-embracing. She makes us feel cozy, and being in her presence is like gezelligheid, as in the Dutch word for that thing that you feel when everything is awesome with other people and it’s lit in a low-key way. We Filipinos have a word close to home—aruga, tender care, like a mother’s. Lakapati is a lesser known Filipino goddess, but she’s definitely a local favorite. Wikipedia says she’s the most understanding of all the deities. Following her footsteps, MariKon Hygge is the goddess of wellness, yoga, and a warm cup of tea and a fluffy blanket.

Offerings accepted: The things in our home that don’t Spark Joy™ any more.

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