A quick ‘Avengers: Endgame’ primer for that friend who keeps asking questions during the movie

We all have that one friend who thinks that the best way to follow a movie is to ask their seatmate questions instead of watching the damn movie and following the story attentively like a normal person.

That’s most likely going to happen at Avengers: Endgame, an event that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been building up to for practically a decade, which means anyone who hasn’t been super committed about their MCU movie consumption is most likely going to get a little lost. And that’s fine. But asking a slew of questions in the middle of the movie is just going to be a Hulk-sized bother for everyone in the audience, especially those who’ve done their MCU homework in preparation for the big day.

So we made this list of questions that your not-a-big-fan-of-the-MCU friend might ask during the movie, and how to respond to those questions. And to the non-MCU-fan friend reading this: honestly, it’s fine if you aren’t up to speed with the MCU which is let’s be real a mixed bag of releases. And besides, the comic book community doesn’t need more snooty, snobby gatekeepers. Just, please, for the love of God, hold your questions until the end of the movie.

 

FAQ 1: Sino ‘yan?

Response: I don’t freakin’ know, man. I’m watching the same thing as you. If you haven’t seen them before, this could possibly be their first time on screen. Otherwise, the purple guy is Thanos, the vision of beauty is Brie Larson I MEAN Captain Marvel.

 

FAQ 2: Oh no! Is Tony Stark going to die?

Response: Come on, dude. My blood pressure’s been at critical levels with the thought of Tony Stark dying. I’m 99 percent sure he will. Will he die inside the space capsule in the trailer? Will he die in a Thanos rematch? I don’t know! Watch the movie!

 

FAQ 3: Oh no! Is Chris Evans going to die?

Response: I personally don’t know what fate has in store for Chris Evans the actor. Captain America the character, though? Maybe he’ll die. Who’s to say! We’ll find out together!

 

FAQ 4: Oh no! Is Spider-Man gone forever?

Response: Tony Stark, Chris Evans, Spider-Man. You’d make a terrible copyeditor. No, he won’t. The trailer for Spider-Man: Far From Home is already out.

 

FAQ 5: Is Ant-Man going to fly into Thanos’s butthole ??

Response: Hahaha wooooow. An original joke! Thank you, Nostradamus, for busting this theory out as if the meme landscape hasn’t already been flooded with different iterations of the same joke for the past couple weeks. Wow. Thank you sir. My world’s been thoroughly rocked, like Thanos’ anus is going to be when Ant-Man enters it.

 

FAQ 6: No, for real, is Ant-Man going to defeat Thanos by expanding inside him and then exploding him from the inside-out?

Response: Probably not. The propulsive force Ant-Man exerts when expanding in size isn’t enough to kill Thanos.

 

FAQ 7: Okay, but seriously. I know it’s strange to you that I’ve never seen a superhero movie in my life. I get busy a lot and I like different things. But I know this is a significant cinematic event, and I know how much superhero movies mean to you, and you’re my friend. I just want you to tell me what I need to know before going into Endgame. I mean, I feel like I’m going to like it anway. I never saw a Star Wars movie until The Force Awakens, and I liked The Force Awakens! So I think I’ll like Endgame too. But can you just give me a refresher?

Response: Sure thing, friend. Thank you for asking me this while we’re lining up for popcorn instead of in the middle of the movie. I deeply appreciate the courtesy.

Long story short, Thanos is the big bad all the Marvel movies before this have been building up to, and he killed half the universe with this thing called the Infinity Gauntlet. So a lot of heroes died in Infinity War. Spider-Man was killed. But Tony Stark and Chris Evans are alive. The raccoon’s name is Rocket. Bruce Banner had a hard time transforming into the Hulk during the last movie but that might change. Brie Larson plays Captain Marvel no, no, Zachary Levi plays Shazam, that’s a different movie. Anyway, I think they’re going to try to bring back some or all of the heroes Thanos killed. Are they going to bring back the rest of the exterminated half of the universe? I don’t know. And I don’t know how they’re going to do it. But we’ll find out today. Please hold all further questions until after the movie that might not affect you that much, but I can guarantee you will absolutely ruin me. I’m going to miss you, Iron Man.

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#culture #movies

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