Vitamin New Year: A recommended regimen

Art by Ivan Grasparin

 

If you’ve sailed through 2018 with the barest political awareness, you must have some future-fueled jitters. That’s not even counting any personal storms you may have weathered on the way. Cue hands raised skyward, because Lord, give us a blessed break.

While divine intervention is one solution, we’d love our own earthly power-ups. Maybe it’s time to hear Mom out about those nutritional supplements — though the stuff we need for 2019 won’t come from your tita’s health food store. Here’s what we’d stock up on, if they existed:

JUST WHY Protein Powder, now infused with TactTM

Nutritional facts: Whenever you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, it did. This year was tainted by extrajudicial killings, labor issues, economic uncertainty, plus a lot, lot more. And still, we have to bear with a grand finale. December opened with our president, he of the War on Drugs, joking about drug use; a journalist branded as a criminal; and the country inching closer to federalism[READ: Saved You A Google: A simple guide to federalism]

We’ve gone from shaking our heads, to shaking our fists, to hopefully doing more than that. To start, however, it helps to ask questions. For symptoms of ignorance, take a swig of JUST WHY Protein Powder to get the discourse going. It also protects from the troll-flavored ad hominem often flooding Twitter — thanks to TactTM as an active ingredient.

Celebrity endorser: A ton of influencers constantly spout opinions for the role, but we’ll go with someone who balances critical snark with factual retweets. If acclaimed multi-hyphenate Chai Fonacier has time for social commentary, you too can stay woke.

Consumeracid

Nutritional facts: We’ve seen all kinds of attempts at sustainability, from the good old metal straw craze to the six-month closure of Boracay. That means nothing if you still litter, Grab when you can walk, and are a monthly slave to fast fashion. Consider Consumeracid if you need therapy from retail therapy, or a dose of eco-friendliness. It’s a tablet that melts away materialism in targeted cells, so the world and your wallet will be grateful.

Celebrity endorser: Our pick is the star destination of 2018 environmental news. Bora’s pretty much a person in our consciousness anyway, one who transformed from your go-to party guy to a mellowed-out dude who’s taking it easier. You wouldn’t wanna spoil his look again.

Old Boys’ Digestive

Nutritional facts: 2018 was the year of #MeToo, of women witnessing, to misogyny in all forms, across industries and countries. For every step forward, though, there were huge setbacks: watching Brett Kavanaugh get confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court was one. Hearing yet another sexist comment from Duterte or Trump is a pain that never lets up. Locker-room antics are terrible enough from college fratbois, and absolutely appalling from faculty members. We’re just so done, and it shows online.

This pill is a mercy — for guys not to choke on toxic masculinity, but to try swallowing it. Let superiority simmer in stomach acid before release. Old Boys’ Digestive has the enzymes to break things down into a much-needed fundamental unit: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Celebrity endorsers: First, know a millennial who’s smashed her glass ceiling up Republicans’ noses. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is the youngest woman ever in American Congress. Her $200,000 grassroots campaign defeated a stalwart Republican’s three-million dollar one, of he who had been unchallenged for the past 14 years. She may be new to the game, but she’s already vocal about immigration policies and workers’ rights.

Back here, Senator Risa Hontiveros has been pushing the Safe Spaces Bill, which was finally passed in the Senate. Her fight against street harassment? We definitely stan.

Antifearspirants

Nutritional facts: We lost culinary firecracker Anthony Bourdain and playful designer Kate Spade to demons only they could have explained. Mental health remained a necessary discussion in 2018, and we’ve since learned that professional help and welcoming ears should be sought out. Yet, there’s no harm in wishing for something to cull those darker moments in between.

Your mom would be proud of Antifearspirants, a new breed of essential oil roll-ons. Except these go beyond the skin for some deep nerve activation, eliminating present stressors. Rub on the temples and sniff for maximum ~calm~, then own the day ahead.

Celebrity endorsers: OPM’s unflappable Unique Salonga: cool, collected, and bold enough to strike out on his own for the love of art. We could all do with his quiet courage.

BYE Drops

Nutritional facts: What do your toxic exes and the “In My Feelings” Challenge have in common? They need to be left behind, stat. We get it — it’s hard to see what’s bad now when you’re clinging to a romanticized past. But that leads to settling for people and problems you never deserved.

Enter BYE Drops: the formula you need to dissolve the rose-tinted layer right off your corneas. One, two, three drops, and no more tears. thank u, next.

Celebrity endorser: Do you even have to ask?